Mother May I?

I always felt that before I could do anything - anything at all - for myself, I needed to get permission. Was it so that I did not sin by selfishness? All I know is that I needed approval before I would act.

Therefore, seeing a doctor about a health issue was not something I did - not unless that issue was so serious that it could not be ignored. Buying clothes? No. Just make do. Eat in a restaurant by myself? Perish the thought! What an extravagance! Better to go hungry.

I think it's about time for me to realize that a grown woman does not need to get permission and validation before doing something for herself.

Baby steps.

"The way to be happy is to make others happy." Just no.

I just wanna make everyone happy.

I don't wanna make anyone sad.

Because I love all day,

And I wanna make everyone glad.

Seriously?

Too many years of such a mantra left me a very easy-to-take-advantage-of, and frankly, sickeningly obsequious, person.

Just now, a man representing my former landlord who is short-changing me for more than $400 came by to explain the finances. I have been waiting for this issue to be resolved for two months. Today, I overly politely mentioned that there was a still discrepancy. On and on went my self-effacement, "I'm not good at math, so I could be wrong, but how is 14 and 25 equal? I cannot understand."

Finally, the guy said he would check again with the landlord. Again, out came the wanting to please and make things easier for others, without a single thought for myself. "Oh, you can just send me an email about it."

Afterwards that stupid song I wrote above came to mind and I came to my senses. What was I thinking?! It would be so much better for me if he were to come here and I could talk to him face-to-face. He probably concluded that I preferred email. Why wouldn't he? Sane people hint at what they want themselves, not what they presume others would prefer.

I do this sort of thing all the time. Giving things that I really like away to people that I think would like them, then later realizing they didn't care at all.

Knee-jerk reaction, wanting to "make everyone happy." Thirteen years out of the cult, but I'm still finding gooey remnants of their twisted unreality clinging to my psyche like hidden leeches.

That one has got to go.

P.S.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for treating others with kindness, gentleness, and respect. To quote Jean Jacques Rousseau, "What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?"

Learned Helplessness

I wonder if the “learning submission to the will of God” that was extolled in The Family was akin to the learned helplessness of Martin Seligman's hopeless, shocked dogs? 

In 1965, back in the days when scientific experiments on animals were not considered as morally reprehensible as they are today, Dr. Seligman conditioned dogs by putting them in a cage, ringing a bell, and then sending an electric current through the floor. Randomly. Again and again.

When a dog got used to that, he put it in a cage with a little fence dividing the two halves. He rang the bell and then shocked the half of the floor where the dog sat; it just sat there, sad eyed, tragic. It didn't even try to jump to the other side where, unbeknownst to the dog, there was no possibility of a shock. 

Had it learned “to submit”?

In the cult, we were taught, repetition ad nauseam, to yield our wills to God, to submit to the will of God in our lives and to our leaders, to not trust in ourselves. "Don't lean to your own understanding." 

Our only hope was to give up control.  

What happens when a person finally gives up control to God? They learn that they are not "the master of their fate, the captain of their soul," but merely a tool in God's hands, "a grain of dust floating on God's air," to quote Berg.

In a word: helpless. 

Engendering submission is one more of the barrage of tactics used to make mindless followers out of ordinary people.

After years of this, it takes concerted effort and time to take control, to feel that we are not "sinful" for doing something for ourselves, to realize that we indeed can be, and must be, the captain of our souls. 

"Others"

After reading what I wrote in "My Life in the Cult...," a psychologist friend commented, 

"I was struck by how much your life was centered on self-sacrifice. You were always giving to others and not to yourself. I imagine that you must have struggled with the sense of betrayal when you finally were able to see reality of the situation. Moving to [the tropics] must have been so disorienting that you would have been less able to see the sham. I am so glad that you came back and are patiently navigating yourself back into the Western world."

"Always giving to others and not to yourself." No kidding! My life, 24/7 for 30 years, was dedicated to doing things for others.

But isn't that the idea? Isn't that how true Christians are to strive to live? Isn't it sinful to do things to please yourself? "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily," right?  (Luke 9:23)

Among the thousands of Bible verses and Mo Letter quotes that I committed to memory over the years, my friend's words dredged up this poem that I must have memorized while still in my teens.

“Others”

By Charles D. Meigs

Lord help me live from day to day

In such a self-forgetful way

That even when I kneel to pray 

My prayer shall be for – Others.

Help me in all the work I do

To ever be sincere and true

And know that all I do for you

Must needs be done for – Others.

Let “Self” be crucified and slain

And buried deep; and all in vain

May efforts be to rise again

Unless to live for – Others.

And when my work on earth is done

And my new work in heaven’s begun

May I forget the crown I’ve won

While thinking still of – Others.

Others, Lord, yes others

Let this my motto be

Help me to live for others

That I may live like Thee.

(found at: http://blindbeggar.org/?p=1088)

This attitude became a part of me and naturally carried on after leaving the cult - even more so then, because I was facing the horrible reality of having given my children a crap childhood. The guilt. The burning desire to make things right. I wanted to do my utmost to help them, although I was clearly spread too thin. I'm afraid it was too little, too late for the older ones; the jury is still out on how the younger ones will fare.

This "normal" behavior for me is further COG residue that I have only just now become aware of.