After leaving the cult and the initial jolt of horror looking back at the wasted years, as the mist finally started to clear from my mind, I was flooded with paralyzing guilt. Unshakable guilt. Part of this could be due to my Catholic upbringing, but wherever it came from, it was nurtured and grew to overwhelming degrees in the cult.
I felt I could never apologize enough to my children. Yet even their kindness, understanding, and forgiveness did not make a dent in my self-condemnation.
Each day was filled with self-recriminations. How could I have? I've ruined my life and my kids' lives! It's all my fault! I hate myself!
In spite of my niggling self-talk, I studied and listened to audio courses and did what needed to be done each day. I had a lot of kids and responsibilities, so much of the day I was too busy to think. Finally, some light broke through.
First of all came the dawn. This guilt only shows that I am kind-hearted. Psychopaths do not feel guilt.
With that foot in the door, knowledge and realization started to trickle in. Guilt is a waste of time. It does no one any good. It is not productive. I am paralyzed and wallowing.
Then came the hunger to learn and the resultant study to find out why I had joined and stayed. I worked to build new pathways for my brain. I had to make a conscious effort to not walk down the well-worn path of self-loathing and recrimination, to deliberately work to change the self-flagellation after any perceived mistake into the more productive, I can learn from this and do better next time. And I had to forbid myself from saying, I hate myself.
That may sound childish and silly, but through all those years in the cult I believe I remained a child in many significant ways. Just like an alcoholic turning to the bottle in times of discomfort or confrontation, I turned to the magic of prayer. No facing down problems, no dealing with issues, just "give it all to Jesus" and keep on. There can be little maturity in such an approach.
Finally, I faced the obvious fact that I will need to live with myself for the rest of my life, so it behooves me to get along with myself. To be kind. To treat myself as I would a friend.
As the Dalai Lama has said, self-compassion is closely connected to self-acceptance. More than acceptance, it is actually having compassion for our human frailties and recognizing we are vulnerable and limited like all people. Understanding and accepting ourselves is fundamental in having compassion for others.
After years of following your blog, your every post is still helpful and a cause for a heart of thankfulness that I am where I am today. This post is so helpful!
ReplyDeleteRegarding the phrase above, "the wasted years"... My 60s childhood when contrast with less hedonic ways of being still existed in plain view, was like one mental explosion after another. Society's basic ethical structure has been really messed with, educational processes interfered with, the foundations of family and relationship negated. I need to learn to feel that intellectual and societal adult orphans, refugees, searching with all their hearts for some Truth and Right is a noble effort. At 18, 1978, I was briefly involved w/ COG in Houston, but for the following 20y followed only absolutist churches, then abandoned my three children and their dad to party again,"finding myself" through Western Philosophy and "art" and alcohol.
That original search for meaning was not wasted... what's wasted is the time spent wallowing in self-downing. Crippling regret every hour; cringing at the pain caused to my children. They say for decades they forgive and understand (except for my first daughter who died by suicide at 21 in 2002, the worst pain yet.)
Something for me this year: "I can learn from this and do better next time. And forbid myself from saying, I hate myself." Thank you for your encouragement <3 -Debbie
Thank you for your comment. I am heartened that something I wrote could be useful to you. I hope you can grow in self-compassion. We have only one life.
ReplyDeleteI joined the COG in 1972. Recently I got in touch with the man who led me in. He had dropped out of Michigan State Un. to join and convinced me that I should drop out and join too. The interesting thing is that he is still part of the Family International at 66 years of age!! Guess he never saw that Berg was a false prophet. UNBELIEVABLE!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. It is not so unbelievable to me that the man who led you to the cult is still loyal. After all, I was in the group for 30 years. There are many mental biases that work to keep people in controlling groups. It is a symptom of humanity to cling to beliefs as we would our very being.
Deletehttps://comingtogripswith.blogspot.jp/2017/11/the-power-of-ideology.html
What an embarrassingly shameful confession: that you were so utterly brainless and gullible enough to waste 30 years of your life in an organization like this. Your weak attempts at self-ingratiation to cover your deep shame at such a wanton waste of life years, is all too obvious. You sound like a person who has finally managed to convince her true feeble self that she was courageous enough to leave the cult, but most people, unfortunately for you, will only marvel at your utter stupidity for staying in the movement so long without realizing you really weren't supposed to be there. As I often tell my own adult children: "You just can't fix stupid" . .
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
DeleteI wonder if you missed the point of my blog. There was nothing courageous about me leaving the cult, and I did marvel at my stupidity for staying in the group for so long. But you CAN fix stupid. That is done through study, learning, and a determination to change.
“The worst of all deceptions is self-deception.” Plato
Dear Anonymous,
DeleteI have read a bunch of Mary's posts and have been very impressed by her courage and honesty. We all have made many mistakes in our lives, some large and some small, the challenge is to recognize them and try to move on being a better person. Some people leaving a cult like this do not do the self reflection that Mary has so clearly done.
I'm wondering why you are so angry sounding in your post. That seems like a heavy burden to bear. I hope that you have some good support in your life to help you with whatever you are dealing with that is so hard. Ellen