Conflict Management

Managing conflict was something that did not happen in the cult. It was not a skill that I ever saw exercised or developed. Certainly, conflicts occurred.

If the conflict had something to do with leadership, corrections for perceived mistakes, bad attitudes, and sins, were delivered harshly in the form of humiliating harangues that went on for way too long. These ended with “desperate prayer,” and then some form of punishment, generally in the form of reading assignments, was dished out. It was a win for leadership, a loss for the peon.

If conflicts arose in interpersonal relationships, in order to avoid the discomfort of dealing with them, I honed my avoidance technique. This went right along with the mindset of denial in the cult. I swept the problem under the rug by praying for the Lord to work things out and then tried to forget about it. "Giving problems to the Lord in prayer," as we were taught. Of course, this only left the conflict to fester, resulting in a loss for both parties. My second-choice technique was accommodation. I would give in to what the other party wanted, a win for them, but a loss for me.

I have only recently learned that conflicts are not to be feared or avoided, but that they can be managed successfully for both parties involved. Doing this requires me to have something that I never had before, something considered sinful in the cult, that is, enough self-esteem to realize that my opinion and my wants have just as much value as other people’s. I don’t have to be a doormat and allow others full reign in what they want. In fact, doing so is not helpful for anyone, and certainly not beneficial for the relationship involved.

Emotions are always present in conflicts, but they do not need to control us nor affect how we deal with the issues. Admitting whatever it is we are feeling, as dispassionately as possible, can help us to set aside emotions so that we can deal with the real issues of events or behaviors that need changing. We should own our emotions. They arise from within us. No need to apologize for them. We just need to realize that they have nothing to do with — and should have nothing to do with — the objective of reaching our goals.

When conflicts arise, and they inevitably will, we must identify our goals — what does each of us want to achieve? What goals do we share? Once those are laid out, it is not a given that one party must lose and one must win, nor that both parties will lose through compromise. The challenge is to find ways to collaborate so that both parties gain what they desire.

We can do this by working out a plan together, respecting each other’s wants, and brainstorming how we can get there. The focus should be on changing events or behaviors, not people. The overall goal is mutual gain. Working together is the best way to help us both achieve our respective goals, a true win-win — and a win for mutual respect in the relationship.

Thanks to Professor Michael Dues and his enlightening course,
Art of Conflict Management: Achieving Solutions for Life, Work, and Beyond.

Moving On

It's been over a year since I last posted anything on this blog, and I guess you could say I have moved on.

In the intervening time, my focus has shifted and with that, new life has been breathed into me. I have latched onto a new vocation and my energies have been directed into new fields of study. When first entering this new field, I was shaky, lacking in confidence, and unsure of myself. Gradually, as I learned more and received considerable sincere praise for my work, my assurance grew. I have reached the point where I no longer need hear praise to prop up my self-worth. Although there is always more to learn, I know I am smart and good at what I do. That is saying a lot for a former "Bible woman" to whom "any sense of self [was] abhorrent to the Lord," to quote Berg. Or better yet, "I am a worm and no man," as the much-lauded Psalmist, David, wrote. (What a bizarre religion where self-worth was sinful!)

Having a strong focus seems to have caused everything in my life to fall into place. It has given me a sense of security and purpose, as well as engendering strength and confidence. I have noticed that I am relaxed now, freed from my former rushed mindset, where I was always feeling I was doing too little too late, carrying the weight of the the many wasted years in the cult that I wanted to make up for. This freedom has affected many aspects of my life, one of which is being on time. Now I delight in the lack of pressure I feel when early for appointments, trains, buses, etc. I leave in good time, so that I can enjoy all of the journey. I have found that I can be more in the moment, having rejected the mental storm of busyness, and mostly letting go of thoughts of the past and future that so eagerly war for attention in my head.

I dare say that we all need to have some sort of focus—a purpose or a goal—in our lives in order to be mentally sound.

See also, Hope.

Free Love and Guilt

I wonder if I had not been so wrapped up in the guilt I carried for being the supposed cause of all our relationship woes, I may have just seen the light of the cult's delusion earlier. And I wasn't the only one dealing with relationship issues, although mine may have been different from most.

Maybe there was something to all these internal issues taking time, and emotional and mental bandwidth.

The arbitrary and frequent splitting up of couples by leadership ("for the Lord's work"), as well as the doctrine of the Law of Love, no doubt, wreaked havoc in any and all relationships in the group. The indiscriminate "sharing" (cult euphemism for having sex) among members "as long as it was done in love," and the shaming of the jealous, made for much introspection, insecurity, and misery. Those who were jealous were "old bottles," "selfish," or "not yielding to God's will," etc., and in need of prayer, extra "word time," and deliverance. In extreme cases, exorcism.

Accordingly, we had a group of people who were so busy fighting personal battles with "sin and self," that no one had the energy or initiative to lift their heads above the clouds and look around and question.

Who can say what would have been? The techniques the cult used to keep its members were (and still are) many and powerful. But surely the distraction of the Law of Love, along with the myriad absurd requirements placed on the shoulders of cult members, was a strong force in keeping us unquestioning and in the fold.

Broken Pieces - Broken Lives

In the last month, I came in contact with a variety of ex-members. In spite of differences in age, race, and situations, we all share the commonality of trying to make a life out of the broken pieces that were left after leaving the cult. After years of being exploited and abused, we are now each doing our best to make our way in the world with little help, experience, or foundation. The following people are far from anomalies.

"A," whose parents joined the group when she was a child, is engaged in a daily fight with depression, constant financial struggles, and hopelessness. Anger flares against her parents, then turns inward. She puts on a brave face each day for her children, but on the inside there is black sadness. Putting one foot in front of the other is how she makes it through each day.

"B," born in the cult, has been pulling together his broken pieces and has struggled to teach himself the language that should have been his mother tongue, then he ambitiously took on a third language. Fighting feelings of insecurity, he's overcome and been successful in supporting himself in a job that uses his tri-lingual abilities. Quite impressive, considering he lives in a rigid, unforgiving country, and has never spent a day inside a school building.

"C," another who had the misfortune to be born in the cult, struggles with finances and a psychologically abusive spouse. She is stuck; her child held hostage to her marriage.

There are more, many sick with stress over the future; all coping the best they can.

Finally, "D" who joined at age 18 and had five children in the cult. Divorced, living alone in a foreign country, she has been struggling to reinvent and educate herself so she can get a secure job - and all this in her 50's. 

Her desire is to erase the past and only live in the present, otherwise guilt and sadness overwhelm her and pull her in a downward spiral of shame. She feels her children blame her for her bad decisions, and she blames herself for having brought those children into the world while in the cult. There are no happy thoughts of her children, no cheerful memories - all are colored by guilt - she only yearns to forget. A great divide of pain and bitterness lies between her and her children. 

This is deeply saddening. What a legacy of our years spent "serving the Lord." A travesty.

I am thankful that my children can laugh about the absurdity of their past. Needless to say, I sincerely wish it had been different.

"The way to be happy is to make others happy." Just no.

I just wanna make everyone happy.

I don't wanna make anyone sad.

Because I love all day,

And I wanna make everyone glad.

Seriously?

Too many years of such a mantra left me a very easy-to-take-advantage-of, and frankly, sickeningly obsequious, person.

Just now, a man representing my former landlord who is short-changing me for more than $400 came by to explain the finances. I have been waiting for this issue to be resolved for two months. Today, I overly politely mentioned that there was a still discrepancy. On and on went my self-effacement, "I'm not good at math, so I could be wrong, but how is 14 and 25 equal? I cannot understand."

Finally, the guy said he would check again with the landlord. Again, out came the wanting to please and make things easier for others, without a single thought for myself. "Oh, you can just send me an email about it."

Afterwards that stupid song I wrote above came to mind and I came to my senses. What was I thinking?! It would be so much better for me if he were to come here and I could talk to him face-to-face. He probably concluded that I preferred email. Why wouldn't he? Sane people hint at what they want themselves, not what they presume others would prefer.

I do this sort of thing all the time. Giving things that I really like away to people that I think would like them, then later realizing they didn't care at all.

Knee-jerk reaction, wanting to "make everyone happy." Thirteen years out of the cult, but I'm still finding gooey remnants of their twisted unreality clinging to my psyche like hidden leeches.

That one has got to go.

P.S.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for treating others with kindness, gentleness, and respect. To quote Jean Jacques Rousseau, "What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?"

Weakened by Submission

I've already mentioned how being in a continuous state of submission actually causes neural degeneration. As I look back to the period immediately after leaving TFI, I can see what a weakened state I was in mentally and emotionally.

Finding out that the cause I gave my life to was nonsense was a jolt, but the true horror of it all took a few years to realize. At first, I was just paralyzed by the guilt of how my life-choice had affected my children and desperately wanted to do what I could to improve their future prospects. The first step, I felt, was to get them to the US (the country of our citizenship) where they could attend college more easily.

My paper-thin optimism, my willingness to take risks, and my wishful-thinking (in the jargon of the cult, "full-of-faith") attitude was mainly still intact, and I expected doors to open and things to work out for us - as I had felt things had so far in my life. Not so. My time spent in the US that year was the lowest of my life. I learned what it was like to be poor in the US, and it wasn't pretty. I was not prepared for the social stigma nor hardship.

I had no idea how weak I had really gotten and how easy I had become to take advantage of. My "trust everyone" philosophy was sorely tested. My brain was muddled, my self-confidence became virtually nonexistent, and I was a mess. True to the Dunning-Kruger effect, I had no idea how little I knew.

The advice I would give now to my former, just-out-of-the-cult, self would be to not make any moves, not make any big decisions until spending a at least a year or more studying, learning, and planning.