Life is hard. The teenage years are especially hard. You feel alone. Unloved. Undeserving. Unattractive.
The future seems daunting. How can you know which road to take?
Having lived long and having made many mistakes, let me offer you some advice.
Expand your horizons. Join clubs. Try new things. Develop an interest in others. Engage with people. Go to school dances. Allow people into your life. Spend time talking with your parents and grandmother. Reach out and make friends.
Cultivate an interest in your studies and excel. Of all the billions of people on the earth, you are lucky to have the opportunity to get a good university education. Do it.
Listen to those who are much older than you. They have lived long enough to have made many mistakes and most likely have learned from them. You can benefit from their experience.
Drugs and alcohol are methods of escape from reality and can lead down a dangerous road. Don’t let them take over your life. Learn to face difficult situations and see them as challenges. By doing so, you will grow in maturity and strength of character.
When conflicts arise, and they will, set your emotions aside and teach yourself to look at the situation rationally. Work together with the other party to lay out your individual goals and then develop a plan to reach them together. Your needs and desires are just as valuable as others’. Do not simply acquiesce. Stick up for yourself. Politely.
Don’t be afraid to change your mind if you find yourself in a bad situation or realize a decision you made was a mistake. “It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.”
Develop boundaries. It is OK to say “no” if you don’t want to do something. Everyone doesn’t have to like you. You don’t have to like everyone.
It’s OK to make mistakes or to feel embarrassed. Everyone does. It’s not the end of the world. Get back up, learn what you can, and move on. Misake are for education, they are not food for remorse.
Volunteer to help the needy. Make yourself a person you can be proud of. You are worthy. You are smart. If you have a hard time believing that, seek out a counselor, psychologist, or therapist that you can trust and talk to them. Find a mentor.
Be aware that your brain will not be fully developed until you reach your mid-twenties and therefore you naturally have difficulty envisioning long-term consequences, so make no momentous life-altering decision until then.
Study psychology and critical thinking. These will help you in making life decisions.
You only have one life, and it will get easier. Be the best person you can be. What can you make of this life that you have been given?
Monday, September 14, 2020
Tuesday, September 1, 2020
Conflict Management
Managing conflict was something that did not happen in the cult. It was not a skill that I ever saw exercised or developed. Certainly, conflicts occurred.
If the conflict had something to do with leadership, corrections for perceived mistakes, bad attitudes, and sins, were delivered harshly in the form of humiliating harangues that went on for way too long. These ended with “desperate prayer,” and then some form of punishment, generally in the form of reading assignments, was dished out. It was a win for leadership, a loss for the peon.
If conflicts arose in interpersonal relationships, in order to avoid the discomfort of dealing with them, I honed my avoidance technique. This went right along with the mindset of denial in the cult. I swept the problem under the rug by praying for the Lord to work things out and then tried to forget about it. "Giving problems to the Lord in prayer," as we were taught. Of course, this only left the conflict to fester, resulting in a loss for both parties. My second-choice technique was accommodation. I would give in to what the other party wanted, a win for them, but a loss for me.
I have only recently learned that conflicts are not to be feared or avoided, but that they can be managed successfully for both parties involved. Doing this requires me to have something that I never had before, something considered sinful in the cult, that is, enough self-esteem to realize that my opinion and my wants have just as much value as other people’s. I don’t have to be a doormat and allow others full reign in what they want. In fact, doing so is not helpful for anyone, and certainly not beneficial for the relationship involved.
Emotions are always present in conflicts, but they do not need to control us nor affect how we deal with the issues. Admitting whatever it is we are feeling, as dispassionately as possible, can help us to set aside emotions so that we can deal with the real issues of events or behaviors that need changing. We should own our emotions. They arise from within us. No need to apologize for them. We just need to realize that they have nothing to do with — and should have nothing to do with — the objective of reaching our goals.
When conflicts arise, and they inevitably will, we must identify our goals — what does each of us want to achieve? What goals do we share? Once those are laid out, it is not a given that one party must lose and one must win, nor that both parties will lose through compromise. The challenge is to find ways to collaborate so that both parties gain what they desire.
We can do this by working out a plan together, respecting each other’s wants, and brainstorming how we can get there. The focus should be on changing events or behaviors, not people. The overall goal is mutual gain. Working together is the best way to help us both achieve our respective goals, a true win-win — and a win for mutual respect in the relationship.
Thanks to Professor Michael Dues and his enlightening course,
Art of Conflict Management: Achieving Solutions for Life, Work, and Beyond.
If the conflict had something to do with leadership, corrections for perceived mistakes, bad attitudes, and sins, were delivered harshly in the form of humiliating harangues that went on for way too long. These ended with “desperate prayer,” and then some form of punishment, generally in the form of reading assignments, was dished out. It was a win for leadership, a loss for the peon.
If conflicts arose in interpersonal relationships, in order to avoid the discomfort of dealing with them, I honed my avoidance technique. This went right along with the mindset of denial in the cult. I swept the problem under the rug by praying for the Lord to work things out and then tried to forget about it. "Giving problems to the Lord in prayer," as we were taught. Of course, this only left the conflict to fester, resulting in a loss for both parties. My second-choice technique was accommodation. I would give in to what the other party wanted, a win for them, but a loss for me.
I have only recently learned that conflicts are not to be feared or avoided, but that they can be managed successfully for both parties involved. Doing this requires me to have something that I never had before, something considered sinful in the cult, that is, enough self-esteem to realize that my opinion and my wants have just as much value as other people’s. I don’t have to be a doormat and allow others full reign in what they want. In fact, doing so is not helpful for anyone, and certainly not beneficial for the relationship involved.
Emotions are always present in conflicts, but they do not need to control us nor affect how we deal with the issues. Admitting whatever it is we are feeling, as dispassionately as possible, can help us to set aside emotions so that we can deal with the real issues of events or behaviors that need changing. We should own our emotions. They arise from within us. No need to apologize for them. We just need to realize that they have nothing to do with — and should have nothing to do with — the objective of reaching our goals.
When conflicts arise, and they inevitably will, we must identify our goals — what does each of us want to achieve? What goals do we share? Once those are laid out, it is not a given that one party must lose and one must win, nor that both parties will lose through compromise. The challenge is to find ways to collaborate so that both parties gain what they desire.
We can do this by working out a plan together, respecting each other’s wants, and brainstorming how we can get there. The focus should be on changing events or behaviors, not people. The overall goal is mutual gain. Working together is the best way to help us both achieve our respective goals, a true win-win — and a win for mutual respect in the relationship.
Art of Conflict Management: Achieving Solutions for Life, Work, and Beyond.
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